I don’t know what to write.

I don’t know what I want to do with my life.

I don’t have the joy to pursue more education.

Or the money.

I just want to be happy.

And I am not.

Is an entry level minimum wage all I am destined for?

I got an email back from a professor of mine. My Latin teacher.

I had not been logging into my class since the first week of classes. Latin is the one key class holding me back, without it I do not graduate.

He has graciously extended me a way to make up my grade. Normally, there are not make up assignments and no late work accepted. But since I am so close to graduating, he is willing to be lenient. This is professor is not a lenient person. So the gravity of the deal he is cutting with me is not lost.

I have 10 days to do a month’s worth of assignments, then he’ll set up a further schedule from there to complete the assignments I lack. I am behind almost two months. This is a gracious and generous offer. Last chance that I will get. I have to take it. I have to be fine with mediocre. I am since past having good grades. I just need to pass.

It is going to be a rough 10 days.

It’s me again.

So the past few months have not been the greatest. I think I mentioned last time that I was having a hard time finishing my classes? Yeah, it’s gotten worse. I have been quite a few of my classes. I have managed to get some of my assignments done, but I have a few where I have stopped showing up altogether.

I don’t know why, part of me feels like it is just a fear of not being up to the task. I am seriously afraid of failure. It terrifies me. I just want to do a good job, get my good grades and graduate, but it is not happening. I blank, I get distracted, I zone out, and I procrastinate. I do whatever it is that is the opposite of what I should be doing and I hate myself for it.

Normally, procrastination fuels my productivity. The pressure of a deadline is a fantastic motivator. However, it has since lost its magic. Instead of pushing me, it paralyzes me. I can’t churn out my assignments like I used to.

It got so bad, I spent an entire week in bed, just staring at the ceiling. I have been seeing a therapist since then. He’s nice. We talk about stuff. I don’t know if it is making progress, but I like to think that it does. I am waiting to get tested, find out exactly what it is that I have, and how exactly it is going to help me.

It is a long process, but the short term problem is this semester that I have wrecked. I don’t know how I am going to fix it.

I want my degree. But I don’t know how to get there from here.

I do not know where to even begin. It has been a such a long time since I have sat down and just written something purely for the sake of it.

I am about finished with my second to last semester at WKU. It has been an ordeal, these last couple of semesters. I have really been struggling. I think it is because mostly, my motivation is pretty low. I want to be done. This is not to say that I am not putting in an effort, but my enthusiasm could be higher. I think the rest of my life has gotten where I want it, with my education being the last bit hanging on at the end.

I just need to get through these last eight classes, then I will be graduated. Of course, it doesn’t end there. I want to go to graduate school. I want to be a professor. Certainly different than where I was years ago when I was perfectly content at being a business manager at a theme park. I do not want to return. I thought I did, I thought my future looked bright, but it was stifling. Especially when there was so much pressure to be perfect. I think that stressed me out more than anything with that job. I had to constantly be on my toes to make sure I did not violate any rules. I had to make sure I did not do something that could have potentially had me separated from the company.

This constant fear of being fired was compounded by another problem. My relationships with my friends. My stress at work was translating to my home life, and let’s say it did not go over smoothly. My best friend and I had huge hang up that almost completely sank our friendship.

I had to get out. So I did. I returned to Kentucky. It was miserable at first. No one likes having to move back in with the parents. It almost seems like a sign of defeat that reminds you that you just couldn’t be an adult properly. The feeling of failure was augmented when I found myself working at my old high school job. It took a while for that feeling to subside. I should not have felt so low, I was returning to Kentucky to finish school. I was going to finally get my Bachelor’s. However, from the glitz and the glamour of Southern California life and my vast independence I had out there, returning to my old hometown felt very infantilizing. Especially when my old high school friends would drop by the restaurant.

When school started up that Fall, it was great. So energizing. I loved it. My life felt like it had a purpose. I worked hard, I studied and I made drastic improvements. My life was turning around. Then, just before the end of the semester, I met someone. As it would turn out, a very special someone. This started a new chapter in my life, one markedly more happy than it had been previously.

It was just one date. We had been matched on this online dating site. We had both liked each other’s picture on one of the site’s features and the site decided to let us know. “Hey, that person whose picture you liked? They liked yours, you should probably message her or something.” Admittedly, online dating had never really worked for me. I had a couple dates on there, and nothing really panned out. I was trepidatious. I sent probably the most sincerest message I have sent on there and I got a reply. The two of us, this woman and I, began to message back and forth until we agreed to meet at coffee shop.

It was December. So, unsurprisingly the coffee shop was busy, but we managed to get something to drink. However, we had no place to sit. We decided to go to the mall, there was plenty of space and it was public. It still shocks me to this day that she offered to drive there. She invited someone she had only ever spoken to on the internet into her car. We get to the mall, chat for hours, then depart. It was not a stellar date, but I was excited. It would be months again, before I saw her. I had to return to Madisonville for Christmas break.

However, when we did meet again, it was amazing. Nothing could quite describe how she made me feel. Which is good, because about a year ago, I asked her to be my wife and I her husband, and a month and a half ago, that exactly what happened.

That has been my life so far.


December 2016
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What I’m up to

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